An epiphany.

In 2004, when I first decided to go to New Zealand, I was crushed, emotionally.

Everything I had ever held dear about America (and growing up in my family, patriotism was important) was killed the night Kerry lost. And then after that, 2004, 2005, and 2006 were very, very hard years for me. I was underemployed or unemployed, I was poor as crap, I was, quite frankly, in a really bad place financially.  I didn’t have health insurance so I couldn’t be treated for my depression or anxiety. 

It was a really, really bad time in my life.

And I think I created my own religion.

Belief in an afterlife helps people get through the tough times. It's easy to persevere through the worst, if you believe the future will be more pleasant. This is why belief in Heaven (and the corresponding Jesus/God stuff) is highest in the poorest communities and poorest nations.

But I could never believe in an afterlife.

So what I did was I created my own “afterlife.” – a paradise here on Earth, not after I died, but “in the future” nonetheless.  What did it matter, if the government was corrupt, if I couldn’t find a job, if I couldn’t be treated for my depression – if I knew that in the future these concerns would be behind me. 

So, I created an idealized New Zealand.  A place I would be in the future, so the suffering I was going through at the time wouldn't matter so much in the long run.

And if I were to offer the reality of New Zealand to my 2005-2006 self, he would have taken it, and he’d probably have loved it.  He would have felt better because he’d be able to get medication for his depression and anxiety, because he’d afford it because he’d be making $35k/yr – compared to $0k/yr. 

But the Brian of 2005-2006 never got that offer.  By the time 2010 rolled around, I was no longer suffering.  Hell, I was on medication, I was having fun with great friends, I was making enough money to be in the upper-middle-class, at a job I absolutely loved. I even had a government that was *finally* going in the right direction. 

New Zealand, in other words, is the solution to a problem that I no longer had. 

Again, I’ll never regret trying.  If I hadn’t gone, I’ll always wonder what would have happened.  And there’s wisdom in disillusionment.  But if I could hit the undo button?  I’d do it.